When people talk about setting boundaries they are generally talking about one of two kinds of boundaries: Physical Boundaries or Emotional Boundaries.
Physical boundaries govern our need and right to physical space and safety, including needs and rights in sexual interactions with another person. Emotional boundaries, on the other hand, govern our emotional needs, rights, and safety, including our right to our thoughts and behaviors.
Your boundary style can be affected by many things, including your personality, your family upbringing, and even your culture. For example, you might have been raised in a house where cussing was a normal way of communicating and have no problems using cuss words in situations where another person might have been raised to never use cuss words. Boundaries can be implemented in varying degrees, from no boundaries all the way to rigid boundaries.
A person with no boundaries is unprotected. Everything flows in and out of this person, without discretion. This person has such a limited sense of self that they don’t know where they end and the next person begins. They can’t hold their feelings in, and find it difficult to be alone.
A person with partial boundaries is someone who might have boundaries but doesn’t always enforce them. Think of them as the “hot and cold” individual. These boundaries work occasionally but are unreliable, as the person’s behavior is unpredictable. People have to adapt to a person with partial boundaries because that person isn’t going to be able to adapt.
Rigid boundaries are like an impenetrable wall. Nothing can go in or come out. They are stiff and unbending with no ability to adapt because the boundary has no yield or flexibility to it. A person with rigid boundaries draws a line in the sand, and no one is allowed to cross it. They are “closed off” to others through lack of expression, and unqavering rules about physical boundaries. Rigid boundaries prevent anything harmful from getting in or out. Breaking a rigid boundary can be a cataclysmic event.
And finally, there are healthy boundaries. These boundaries are protective and empowering because the person can choose what is allowed in and out. This person is able to make their physical and emotional boundaries clear, they respect other people’s boundaries, and can negotiate and compromise. Healthy boundaries allows a person to adapt to his surroundings while still being protected. Boundaries can be changed in different environments, for example, a person can be looser around friends and around co-workers.
Before I had the strength to leave my abuser, who had partial boundaries, would constantly violate my boundaries. It was like walking on egg shells, you never knew if something would set her off this week, that was perfectly fine last week. I tried to establish a safe zone but she only honored it when it suited her needs. I had no personal safety from her verbal and emotional tirades.
Fast forward a couple years and I am now in a much better place. I’m in a healthy and loving relationship. She is my rock, my best friend, my partner, and my wife. She is my number one fan, and I’m hers. She helps me re-center whenever I’m off. We know each other’s boundaries and we check in on each other to make sure we’re getting what we need and giving what is needed. She has also helped me establish firmer boundaries with my family, who would also tended to trample me from time to time. At home I now feel safe and secure and know that I can share anything with her, and when I need some space to think or uncompress, she gives me that.
//twd